Sometimes The Smallest Things, Have The Most Weight

I loved you for a long time. through a lot of shit, good and bad.
I loved you as you were, damaged, fragile, wounded, funny, clever, thoughtful, insightful, youthful, kind, attentive...

then, I realized, you simply didn't really exist, I've been loving a ghost, a figment, a zephyr.

Turns out, you're a terrible, selfish person, and I don't feel like loving you any more.
I don't feel like showing you a beautiful world anymore,
I don't feel like protecting you anymore.
I don't care anymore.


eventually this won't hurt as much, eventually I can forget to remember these wasted years.
It's ok for me to let this die; everything dies at some point.


And,
I don't even know why I was keeping this alive anymore.

It's kind of funny, that you managed to kill it with the tiniest comment,
(too many emotions on my end)

You were right, you were never worthy of all that I gave you. You were right that I was giving you too much

Sometimes the smallest things have the most weight.

I Was So Young

I was so young when i met you. I did not realize how young I was then, especially considering all I had experienced in the world.

When we met, I did not know what love really was;
I had an idea, and I had been very very close to love before, but it was definitely not anything like what I'd ever feel for you.

We were both so young, but I was still so naive and innocent. You took the last of my innocence, and in exchange gave me the wisdom to know what love really is.

Yes, more often than not, this love is painful, but it is the most beautiful things i've ever felt. I hunger for you, everything about you. I want all of you as you are, and as you will be... forever, however long it takes for us to figure out how to get this right.

Fragile and Beloved

I was reading about epilepsy and FASD and depression.
Trying to understand your brain and how you became the way you are.
The more I read the more I love you and the more
I wish you understood just how precious you are.
Your fragility crushes my heart with something that is NOT pity.
It overwhelms me with the need to give you all the love you have missed
because you feel broken and worthless and hopeless.

There is nothing I want more than to wrap you up in me,
Taste your kisses and protect you from your fears.

Faith in One's Self.

The religious myth that if you believe in god your life will be sunshine and rainbows is absurd. The universe is huge, and we are tiny. Much of what we pray for isn't going to be granted. I do believe in praying for things, but more than anything one should think less about asking and getting, and more about "manifesting" as in using your faith in the power given to you, to manifest what you wish in your life. Everything in this universe is connected (even according to those string theories) therefore there is no reason your thoughts cannot connect to reality. I think for me, my faith in god, is a faith in the power of this way the universe works, science is the manifestations of god... and to a degree we are all god because we are also in a micro sort of way, able to manifest. But most people are too busy doubting their worth and doubting their power.

Love yourself, have faith in yourself and you can be closer to attaining that which you desire.

nothing has meaning and my words come out all wrong and empty

there is nothing.
just loss.

i never thought, no matter what happened,
 that you'd ever really leave.

you said the worst feeling in the world,
was the "after," when love is gone.

i will never understand why, if you hate that feeling,
you'd cast both of us out into it's deep black emptiness.

i feel just, hollow.
nothing has any meaning anymore.

i never want to feel this again, but i don't see it ever ending.

i want to express this feeling with words or coherent thoughts, but it's too abstract
too painful. there are no words.
there is nothing.

i want this feeling to end. i can't live like this.
without you, my universe is empty and dark.

Need and Love.

I need you.
I NEED you.
I cannot always tell you this, but
I need you.
Because you are my friend and
you are beautiful and understand me
in a secret way I never expected.
I WANT to tell you this, but
I don't want you to misunderstand.
I do not want you to be my crutch,
that isn't what I mean by need.
I just need you,
to never leave me, never go out of my life.
never stop loving me.
I want to be near you,
to touch you, but
touches frighten me so much.
I'm not there yet, but I'm trying.
I'm getting there, with my words,
opening myself more, telling more of myself.

I cant keep being a stone.
It seemed easy to be a stone and
keep everyone out, but
it gets lonely and I need you too much
to be a stone with you.
I think of you all the time.
I love you, even though I never see you nearly enough
(or at all)
how did I come to have you at all? That doesn't matter.
you are mine and I love you.

Goodbye Mr. Lunar

I know death is natural, but I wonder what exactly it is. Do our souls die to? Do they go somewhere else? The idea that Lunar (that was the cat's name) just ended and there is nothing left, is a horrible feeling. Sometimes when animals (or people) die, their mouths open, and I think maybe that's how their souls fly out, but when I came home and saw his little body, his mouth was closed, and his eyes were wide open and they weren't reflecting any light. It was like an electronic device which had been turned off... and then I thought: maybe the soul died too? And that felt terrible. But maybe the soul flew out when he took his last breath. My mom said she was with him when he took his last breaths. I wonder what he thought when he took his last breath, did he think "this is it?" Did he mind? Was he scared? Was he sad? Or did he know he was going somewhere else?
When I die, I don't want to know it is about to happen, I don't want to be afraid. I think I will be scared, because I won't want to stop existing, as shitty as life is, I like being who I am. I think my cat really loved being who he was. He had a fantastic and happy life. I don't think he wanted it to end, but maybe he didn't mind. maybe he was ready.

This Love Terrifies Me

I am scared. This is scary,
terrifying
I love you. I want to have you forever,
but there is no forever,
we all wither and die.
I don't want the pain of ever losing you, and I don't want you to ever hurt.
Every day more, that I love you,
is filled with this fear that I will lose you somehow.
This is dreadful.
It is no wonder, some people just run. Sometimes I want to run, to avoid the inevitable pain.
I have to remind myself that if I run, I will miss out on everything beautiful.
If I miss the beauty, there won't be any loss, there won't be any "missing;"
but you are so worth missing.
I want to keep you forever.

UNTITLED.

When I want to tell you that you've done something upsetting, I realize I can't. When I begin to form my thoughts about what you did (no matter how small) it snowballs out of control and I remember every single foul thing you've EVER said or done, since day one, and then I am too angry and I know if I say anything it will be too much and too angry.
It isn't that I hold a grudge, it's just that I have a good memory for certain things (I also remember every nice thing too). So instead of saying anything, I stay quiet.
But what I would like, is a way to get all of this pent up 'everything' out, where you can understand it, and understand what I think, what I feel, without it ruining the little we have.

Broken Picture Frame

I've had your photo in a frame since 2004...
I didn't remove it from the frame, because I couldn't even bare to look at it, and remember what never really was.
when i look back i see that the only good times, were for those months in the desert, but that wasn't really you, it was all a lie induced by the hot sun and bad food.
tonight, while redoing my bedroom, I unpacked all the photos that had been taken, and somehow, the frame got smashed... something heavy must have crushed it while I was moving things all about... or perhaps I stepped on the stack of things it was in, and broke it under the weight of me.
But it must have been fate that the frame smashed right over your eyes.

so now what... do I take the picture out, and store it with all the other photos, or do i toss it into the trash with the frame?

Cruel and Fragile

The more I observe humans the more animalistic I realise we are. We like to imagine ourselves to be the most superior in the animal kingdom, but we are just like any other animal. We alienate the sick, the "ugly," the old, and the weak. We do not help one another, we are greedy and oportunistic, feeding on the downfalls of other humans.
I wonder if the other animals are as judgmental and cruel as we are, and it seems they are. The ones with the unfortunate feathers, shabby fur and smallest claws or any other shortcomings, are powerless, and undesirable.
I wonder if they feel loneliness the way we do, I wonder if they feel disheartened and unsatisfied with their lack of social success.
We are all sad desperate creatures, struggling for respect, power, shelter, and companionship. It is hard to be alive, it doesn't matter where in the animal kingdom you are. And I imagine it might be just as hard to be a plant.
For the most part we forget how dismal it all is, and that has benefits and drawbacks. The benefit is that it allows us to imagine we can succeed and allows us to find joy and pleasure. The drawback is that it enables us to take for granted, the people and good things we have, because we imagine somehow that we are entitled to better than we are.

It Is Far Less Lonely

It is far less lonely, for me to believe that if I talk to the universe, it is listening, it is far less lonely for me to believe that when I talk to the dead, their energy is out there in the universe listening to me, and it is far less lonely for me to believe that even I, as small and meaningless as I am, can somehow be connected with things as grand as stars and constellations and galaxies.
And maybe we aren't connected to anything, not even space dust, but what harm is there in believing myself to be part of the magic of the universe? After all, the only other option is to drown in the deep and impenetrable loneliness that consumes me.

Heartache

I want to know what it is anatomically, physiologically, scientifically,
that causes the pain in our chests when we experience loss and sadness.
If what we feel is mental and therefor, in our heads, then why is this unbearable pain I feel located squarely in the center of my chest, where my heart dwells?
It is an ache that almost compels me to simply cut my heart clean out of my chest, just to make it stop aching. Never have I had less control of a situation I was in. Never have I been 100% at the mercy of someone else.
You open me up, my walls crumble away at just the slightest presence of you, so why, if what you don't want, is to hurt me, do you hurt me by running away to prevent hurting me? You can't hurt me if you stay. You can't hurt me if you make mistakes with me, the only thing that hurts is the loss of you.
Maybe if I had no heart I wouldn't feel this hurt, but that defies logic because the heart isn't where emotions live.
So what is this pain I feel in my chest?
To taste your kisses and feel your skin pressed against mine, heartbeat to heartbeat, to listen to the sound of your breathing, to smell you,
those things would wipe this hurt away.

Undo this. Unhurt me. I only have this one heart, please don't break it.

Lost Time Cannot Be Retrieved

When I was first diagnosed with PKD, I was told that having children was no longer an option for me. I was told getting pregnant could shut down my kidneys and or cause one of them to rupture due to their large size. After much anger and sadness I came to accept this as my lot in life and I resolved myself to move on and one day just adopt. During the whole grieving process the stress and misery was a propellant, to the explosive end, of an already strained relationship. He just couldn't be remotely understanding of my feeling of loss, yet he demanded my emotional support in all his struggles. It was all very taxing and worthless.Then, in 2008 I was told by a specialist, that having children was completely an option for me. It was like having someone deeply loved and missed, show up after having been declared legally dead. I was both happy and angry. Many fertile healthy years were already wasted, gone forever. Relationships I had avoided because the man wanted children, were avoided needlessly; perhaps I would not have been such a distant, and at times downright mean person, to some of the men I'd dated if I'd known what my options had been. I had wasted years pushing people away. Now all I feel is this overwhelming urgency to make up the lost time, that simply can't be retrieved. I cannot get those eggs back. I am pushy and annoying to the man who wants to have a family with me and the truth is none of this is even remotely his fault. Once again I am angry and grieving. But this is my lot in life and I'm sure there is some lesson in all of this, even if I haven't the faintest idea of what it can be.