It Doesn't Matter That I Am A Smart Nice Woman.

I know I am not what most would consider attractive. I know when I was younger I was very slim and men thought I was hot, but now I am girth-ier and I can never even get more than a second date with a guy. The thing is I really cannot figure out what is worse, knowing that guys only dated me because I made great arm candy, or knowing that men will not date me because of how I look now. Either way no one cares about who I am on the inside. I always get some bullshit excuse about why they don't want to date me anymore. Most times I am told that I am a really sweet girl and someone nice will love me one day but they just don't want a relationship, or they don't think they can love me as I deserve to be loved... and they turn around a get married to someone else immediately after.
Or... they tell me that they never cared about me and I was just a joke all along, then they tell me they were seeing someone else all along anyhow.
I know I'm not that good looking, but I know I am a kind sweet giving person, faithful and trusting, but I ALWAYS get dumped for some empty headed shallow selfish bitch, that's 1000 times hotter than I am.
sigh* Really? REALLY?
I give up.

It's Really Hard to be Empathetic

That is to say it is hard being empathetic. Generally I am the friend/family member people come to, to talk about their innermost thoughts, feelings, fears and hurts. I like being able to give someone comfort, I know I am a good listener. Apparently there is something about me that says "tell Lonnie all your problems," maybe it is some sort of sign on my back, akin to the 'kick me' sign (because sometimes I feel like I am being kicked with people's problems).
Somehow, despite being the person people can go to, I am terrible at solving people's problems. there is a good reason why I am terrible at solving them though; I am not a magician, nor am I God or even a god. I know this, my friends know this, but for some reason I feel like I am a horrible person because I cannot solve the problems of others.
I feel as though my inability to solve the problems somehow means I am the cause of the problems. Now I know it is impossible for me to be the cause of a problem that existed before I even knew about it, but my mind does not work on logic. nope.
I become consumed with guilt and worry if my friends are ill, or unhappy or worried or lonely or just plain old depressed.
I do not sleep at night, worrying what they are feeling, how they are doing, I worry about whether or not they are watching what they eat, I worry about if their hearts are broken.
Who worries about me? No one, and not because they don't care, but because it isn't fucking normal to worry like this about people who will live and die in a manner completely out of my control.

i have been slacking

i need to come back to my bloggie blog though almost no one reads it, it's still a good thing for me to have.

THINGS I THOUGHT ABOUT ON THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL

It had been a while since feeling sick enough to go to the hospital for kidney pain, and I couldn’t help thinking about all the possibilities that lay ahead. I was reviewing my symptoms in my mind and thinking about the full spectrum of what my disease means to my life. The pain had started out as it always does, just a typical throbbing aching inside the back of my body. Deep inside. Because of this illness I know exactly where my kidneys are located within my body. I had also been feeling really run down lately and my skin was not looking as bright as it aught to. The dark circles under my eyes had gotten darker, but now my color just looked sort of “off” and the texture was sort of waxy and bumpy. Still, I didn’t think this was any more serious than any other episode of pain. I assumed that one of the cysts had burst and was making me feel ill.

A few days later I was feeling a bit worse. And now when I licked my lips I noticed a very bitter taste. I thought at first I must have gotten something from my hand onto my lip but the taste didn’t go away and continued to get worse. My brother told me it was probably a cold messing with my sense of taste because I had now developed a cough. But by day three of the bitter taste I was sure it was my actual lips and not my sense of taste because foods tasted fine. I licked my finger after eating something and noticed my hands were bitter. I tasted my arm, and that was bitter too. At this point I began to freak out (on the inside, on the outside I played it cool). I googled the bitter tasting skin in relation to kidney diseases and there it was! Among the first few medical sites was listed my illness, I clicked it, to read that the bitter taste was the toxins being excreted through the skin the taste was from the additional potassium in the sweat.

Did this mean my kidneys were no longer working properly?

I had a grooming appointment on the upper west side. I sucked up my pain and went to work and from there I went to the E.R. at the Veteran’s Hospital.

While on the bus to the hospital I thought about what it would mean for me if they were no longer working. I don’t feel like dying yet. There are things I want to do, however, I must be realistic; some of these goals will never be achieved. I haven’t found a mate, and being alone when sick only makes you feel that much more deeply alone. And let’s be honest here, no one will likely want me as a mate knowing I will probably just die leaving them sad and alone. People don’t like pain so it’s easier to just not get attached to me. I will not have a family or grandchildren to tell stories to about the “good old days.” It crossed my mind the cruel comments people have made about me being sick in the past. As one beau was dumping me he said he’d send me flowers on my deathbed, and told me to enjoy my slow painful death. He decided to dump me in such a cruel manner after his job offered him a transfer to the west coast. A sweetheart before him said taking me to the E.R. was a hassle and he didn’t want to be bothered because it threw off his whole day. I was living with him and for some reason I even thought he loved me. I think, I thought he loved me because we were together when I was diagnosed and he chose to stay with me even though I was sick. He later dumped me for someone healthy, who could have children (it would be extremely dangerous for me to try).

All these thoughts and memories were playing through my mind as I sat in the E.R. getting tests done. They sent me up to get a CTscan and Xrays, they drew several vials of my blood and took urine samples. I was given IVs and admitted over night. The last time I spent the night in a hospital was when I was first diagnosed and had to be med-evaced back to the states from Iraq. This illness ended my military career.

I thought about what it would mean to have to die in a hospital. It didn’t seem that bad. The doctors and nurses are always so nice to me at the VA hospital. One of the nurses even sat and kept me company while I tried to go to sleep, so I wouldn’t be lonely. I thought about it and decided I would rather die in a hospital than in the “comfort” of my home. I wouldn’t have to hear any silly arguing about trivial things, I would be made comfortable and if it hurt too bad I could be given medicine to not hurt anymore. My family wouldn’t have to be inconvenienced by having to care for me. I know that is something former mates probably thought about when deciding not to stay with me. I don’t want to put any strain on anyone.

In the morning they ran my vital signs again and I was told that all my tests were relatively normal. Nothing had changed since the last CTscan or MRI I had done a little over a year ago. I had no signs of a cyst bursting other than the symptoms but still that was most likely the cause of my feeling so ill. The bitter taste to my skin was my body detoxing the garbage from inside the cyst, but the kidneys were still working fine.

I thought about how no one would want to even kiss me because I taste bitter. No one will want to date me if they don’t even want to kiss me, and surely they will not want to marry me, if they don’t even want to date me.

I used to think I was invincible. I never even knew of mortality until I went to Iraq, and I never fully understood my own until I was diagnosed with Polycystic kidneys. Some people are lucky to already have a family of their own before they get sick. I will die alone. With no family no children no grandchildren no one to remember me the way I had hoped to be remembered. But at least I can look forward to being comfortable in the hospital and that’s not too bad actually.

TRYING TO FIND THE ANSWERS

you come to me in my dreams
begging forgiveness
we meet in a place from our past life when you had capacity you now lack
how is it that you've taken a step back in this life?
i thought we were supposed to move forward, i thought our souls were supposed to grow
i am left with questions.
do i wait until your inner core awakens again in this life
or do i just give up on now, and wait to be with you in the next life.

yes, i remember how good it was before this life, when we lived in the jungle,
because your true self keeps coming to remind me about it in my sleep, but why won't you remind YOURSELF, because all you do is frustrate me.

begging me to wait until you are ready.

my soul is lonely. LONELY, because your stupid ass isn't fucking ready to attain your higher existence. how do you go through your days at such a downgraded level from where you had been?

and i am stricken with another question... will i be in the wrong, seeking another soulmate, when i already KNOW that your soul has been asking mine to just wait?

my life is a perpetual lesson in patience and loss. i attain something only to lose it. you come and go because in your true core, you know i'm not going anywhere.

i want to go! please love me or release me.
GET UP TO MY LEVEL because you're only hurting the both of us and we cannot get anywhere like this.

i am at such a loss here.
i miss our old life before this one.
but that was then and this is now, and i seem to be the only one who remembers in their waking hours.

i want someone else... so please release me.
i want to be loved in THIS lifetime, not have to wait until the next.

AN OPEN LETTER

time and time again you pushed me away, but always i let you back. i believed you each time you said you missed me. i believed you every time you said sorry, and i always welcomed you back without even a second thought.
i never had a problem letting you back in, because you had always been what i thought to be, an honest person. you were forthcoming and i respected that about you.

this time, you chose to be deceitful, this time i gave you the opportunity to be honest with me, just like every single other time, i even went out on a limb telling you even more about just how deeply i feel for you. and you made the conscious choice to lie, changing everything about us. and making me wonder if everything i thought about you was in fact based upon a lie. perhaps you were never honest, never sorry. and never missed me at all, only knew, that i would still be there like always waiting for you to come back.

if you had EVER respected me as a person at all, you would have been honest and less cruel in the manner in which you chose to break my heart, i guess i was just a joke to you. never someone to take serious or care for or love, not even to love as a friend. you lied when you said you valued my friendship, words that i had cherished very deeply.

now i will always wonder just what the point of any of this was. i can only assume i was just someone to use and entertain yourself with until someone you'd actually want to be with, came along. it never mattered to you how i would feel.

you have succeeded in making me feel smaller than anyone ever has before. because despite everything i had always believed you liked me for me, and supported me as a person and were in my corner. now i know all your kind supportive encouraging and positive words were just lies to keep me hanging on. and i wonder how i will ever be able to believe anyone again. i can't say i have any reason to believe there is any truth in this world.

i did so love you more than you could possibly fathom. and that being said, i can only hope the choices you've made are the ones that will make you truly happy.

you broke my heart and this time i know you're not coming back.