Fragile and Beloved

I was reading about epilepsy and FASD and depression.
Trying to understand your brain and how you became the way you are.
The more I read the more I love you and the more
I wish you understood just how precious you are.
Your fragility crushes my heart with something that is NOT pity.
It overwhelms me with the need to give you all the love you have missed
because you feel broken and worthless and hopeless.

There is nothing I want more than to wrap you up in me,
Taste your kisses and protect you from your fears.

Faith in One's Self.

The religious myth that if you believe in god your life will be sunshine and rainbows is absurd. The universe is huge, and we are tiny. Much of what we pray for isn't going to be granted. I do believe in praying for things, but more than anything one should think less about asking and getting, and more about "manifesting" as in using your faith in the power given to you, to manifest what you wish in your life. Everything in this universe is connected (even according to those string theories) therefore there is no reason your thoughts cannot connect to reality. I think for me, my faith in god, is a faith in the power of this way the universe works, science is the manifestations of god... and to a degree we are all god because we are also in a micro sort of way, able to manifest. But most people are too busy doubting their worth and doubting their power.

Love yourself, have faith in yourself and you can be closer to attaining that which you desire.

nothing has meaning and my words come out all wrong and empty

there is nothing.
just loss.

i never thought, no matter what happened,
 that you'd ever really leave.

you said the worst feeling in the world,
was the "after," when love is gone.

i will never understand why, if you hate that feeling,
you'd cast both of us out into it's deep black emptiness.

i feel just, hollow.
nothing has any meaning anymore.

i never want to feel this again, but i don't see it ever ending.

i want to express this feeling with words or coherent thoughts, but it's too abstract
too painful. there are no words.
there is nothing.

i want this feeling to end. i can't live like this.
without you, my universe is empty and dark.

Need and Love.

I need you.
I NEED you.
I cannot always tell you this, but
I need you.
Because you are my friend and
you are beautiful and understand me
in a secret way I never expected.
I WANT to tell you this, but
I don't want you to misunderstand.
I do not want you to be my crutch,
that isn't what I mean by need.
I just need you,
to never leave me, never go out of my life.
never stop loving me.
I want to be near you,
to touch you, but
touches frighten me so much.
I'm not there yet, but I'm trying.
I'm getting there, with my words,
opening myself more, telling more of myself.

I cant keep being a stone.
It seemed easy to be a stone and
keep everyone out, but
it gets lonely and I need you too much
to be a stone with you.
I think of you all the time.
I love you, even though I never see you nearly enough
(or at all)
how did I come to have you at all? That doesn't matter.
you are mine and I love you.

Goodbye Mr. Lunar

I know death is natural, but I wonder what exactly it is. Do our souls die to? Do they go somewhere else? The idea that Lunar (that was the cat's name) just ended and there is nothing left, is a horrible feeling. Sometimes when animals (or people) die, their mouths open, and I think maybe that's how their souls fly out, but when I came home and saw his little body, his mouth was closed, and his eyes were wide open and they weren't reflecting any light. It was like an electronic device which had been turned off... and then I thought: maybe the soul died too? And that felt terrible. But maybe the soul flew out when he took his last breath. My mom said she was with him when he took his last breaths. I wonder what he thought when he took his last breath, did he think "this is it?" Did he mind? Was he scared? Was he sad? Or did he know he was going somewhere else?
When I die, I don't want to know it is about to happen, I don't want to be afraid. I think I will be scared, because I won't want to stop existing, as shitty as life is, I like being who I am. I think my cat really loved being who he was. He had a fantastic and happy life. I don't think he wanted it to end, but maybe he didn't mind. maybe he was ready.