It Doesn't Matter That I Am A Smart Nice Woman.

I know I am not what most would consider attractive. I know when I was younger I was very slim and men thought I was hot, but now I am girth-ier and I can never even get more than a second date with a guy. The thing is I really cannot figure out what is worse, knowing that guys only dated me because I made great arm candy, or knowing that men will not date me because of how I look now. Either way no one cares about who I am on the inside. I always get some bullshit excuse about why they don't want to date me anymore. Most times I am told that I am a really sweet girl and someone nice will love me one day but they just don't want a relationship, or they don't think they can love me as I deserve to be loved... and they turn around a get married to someone else immediately after.
Or... they tell me that they never cared about me and I was just a joke all along, then they tell me they were seeing someone else all along anyhow.
I know I'm not that good looking, but I know I am a kind sweet giving person, faithful and trusting, but I ALWAYS get dumped for some empty headed shallow selfish bitch, that's 1000 times hotter than I am.
sigh* Really? REALLY?
I give up.

It's Really Hard to be Empathetic

That is to say it is hard being empathetic. Generally I am the friend/family member people come to, to talk about their innermost thoughts, feelings, fears and hurts. I like being able to give someone comfort, I know I am a good listener. Apparently there is something about me that says "tell Lonnie all your problems," maybe it is some sort of sign on my back, akin to the 'kick me' sign (because sometimes I feel like I am being kicked with people's problems).
Somehow, despite being the person people can go to, I am terrible at solving people's problems. there is a good reason why I am terrible at solving them though; I am not a magician, nor am I God or even a god. I know this, my friends know this, but for some reason I feel like I am a horrible person because I cannot solve the problems of others.
I feel as though my inability to solve the problems somehow means I am the cause of the problems. Now I know it is impossible for me to be the cause of a problem that existed before I even knew about it, but my mind does not work on logic. nope.
I become consumed with guilt and worry if my friends are ill, or unhappy or worried or lonely or just plain old depressed.
I do not sleep at night, worrying what they are feeling, how they are doing, I worry about whether or not they are watching what they eat, I worry about if their hearts are broken.
Who worries about me? No one, and not because they don't care, but because it isn't fucking normal to worry like this about people who will live and die in a manner completely out of my control.

i have been slacking

i need to come back to my bloggie blog though almost no one reads it, it's still a good thing for me to have.