I AM A GODDESS

i'm a fucking goddess, i'm the full package, kind talented, hot as hell, wacky, fun, loving, and this goddess can and does cook. i will care for you when you are sick or down, unlike the shallow arm candy "buy me flowers" "buy me diamonds" and leave you when you are are down "ladies" men like to chase. recognize a real woman and bow down before my glory, so i can raise you up!

(i got the inspiration to write this from a similar one my friend Toby wrote)

once

once i asked you what it was about me that made people do me wrong. So that i could try to change whatever this flaw was in myself so i could be a better person. You simply said, i was fine as i was, even paid me some compliments and apologized for making me feel "so rotten."
now i see that the answer is that i am just stupid. people treat me rotten because when it comes to others i am incredibly stupid and forgiving and always hoping for the best in them to shine through. i stupidly believed that your apology was the truth and that it meant you'd be different, not WORSE! you refer to yourself as a sheep in wolfs clothing, if this is true, you didn't need to be so cruel to me, you already knew i was harmless and kind and forgiving to a fault. no, you are no sheep. you are simply the wolf. and i am just a stupid stupid girl living in the wrong time. honesty and virtue are lost on the people of today and i end up becoming the butt of the joke. an experiment in how many times a dumb girl will take a man back if he just says "i'm sorry, i miss you."
you were never sorry, but boy were you one hell of a liar! you aught to go into acting for that show!

Does It Feel Good To Hurt The One Who Loves You?

I don’t understand how one person can care so little about how much they hurt another person.

I don’t understand the need for lying and creating excuses. Does it make them feel better about who they are? And if so, HOW?

How do you feel good, lying to me, telling me you miss me, telling me you want to see me when you know inside that you don’t? Why do they feel this need to lie? It has not just been one single person who has done this to me, it has been pretty much EVERY single man I have ever loved.

First they initiate an intimate relationship, I generally don’t initiate this, because I assume I will be rejected. Then when I show an interest things seem to progress in a normal manner. They seem to want to see more of me, and I say this would be something I would enjoy as well. Eventually this is followed up with a litany of excuses as to why we have suddenly begun to see much, much less of one another or none of each other at all.

When I express that this is upsetting, I am suddenly made to be the bad guy. Why am I the bad one, when I am not the one lying? I am not the one stringing anyone along, but I am made to feel as though I am acting irrational and that I am “flipping out” or “freaking out” or that I am a “negative person.”

Why on earth would anyone NOT be hurt by being lied to? Why would anyone not be disheartened by being told “I can’t wait to see you,” “I was thinking about you,” “I’m so sorry I’ve been so busy, I’ll make it up to you” and “I miss you,” only to see that you make time for everyone else but them? Clearly you DON’T miss them, you WEREN’T thinking of them, and you have NO intention of making it up to them.

So there must be some reason for this behavior. I have asked people why they have done this to me, after time had passed. What I got was, what seemed like a sincere apology and then the beginning of the same thing all over again. There must be something about me that causes people to take great personal pleasure in misleading me, and taking advantage of my love, and forgiveness.

It truly breaks my heart to be treated in such an unkind way by someone whom I would never have any desire to hurt in any way or misuse. Someone that I have only wanted to love, be kind to, and look out for. Someone that I have only wanted to share myself with in every possible way and bring them joy and comfort and always be in their corner.

But it seems I do not fit the mold they are looking for. I do not look the part I suppose. I am not all American Barbie pretty with long hair and stylish fashionable clothes. I am “wacky” as I have been told. My hair is oddly colored and generally retro styled I am well tattooed and my face is pierced and my ears are gauged. I don’t look pretty on their arm. They say they admire my mind and that I am clever and smart and a survivor and strong, they tell me they respect me, but then they do not want to be seen with me, to have their friends think I could be the woman in their life. They don’t even take the time to really give me a chance.

Why say you respect me? Clearly it is a lie. Why say you don’t want to hurt me, when you’ve never even tried to give me a fair chance?

I feel as though I am always set up as a cruel joke an experiment in dating a freak, and then I get left for the “normal,” “typical” girl and you all have a laugh at your wild ride with the freak. Not thinking about how much pain I feel inside.

Did it ever occur to any of you that I am probably the most caring giving unselfish person you will ever meet. I love completely and for who the person is. I understand what it means to love someone who is sick and care for them and NOT feel burdened. I take pleasure in caring for someone else and not thinking about what they can do for me, or what they can buy me or where they should take me.

But you choose to use me as a joke, so you can go off with your typical shallow “buy me diamonds, buy me flowers” girl and have her pretend to stroke your ego so she can get what she wants out of you. I truly give my compliments because I mean them not to butter anyone up.

I HATE being an honest loyal good woman, I hate being and looking different because all these things do is get me treated like garbage.

Happy Hanukkah (Chanukah, or however you'd like to spell it)

Yudeh the clumsy mohel

Always has a noisy bris

And if you ever hear it

You would have to say it is.

All the other mohelim

Used to laugh and call him names

They never let poor Yudah

Join in any dreidel games.

Then one foggy Chanukah

Shlomo came to say,

Yudah with your knife so bright

Won’t you cut the tip tonight.

Then all the other mohelim

Laughed and shouted out with glee

Yudah the clumsy mohel,

You’ll go down in Bris-tory

(by my dad, John Amira, i asked him to write me a Hanukkah rhyme)