Sometimes It's Hard To Be Optimistic

i try to remind myself, that one day someone will love me, for real. one day someone will think of me in everything that they do, they will long to spend their time with me, and won’t put me last, as a patient loyal after thought. 

one day i will be special enough to someone that they will want to grow old with me, just sharing our lives and being happy with one another.

but it’s hard to really believe that, because i’ve never even had anything close to that.

i can’t even really begin to imagine what being loved could even feel like. i assume, however, that it must feel nice. it’s probably the most important thing anyone could ever have- being loved.

it would be a testament to one’s character, and quality as a human being. 

i hope to be special enough one day, to cause someone to love me.

Sometimes The Smallest Things, Have The Most Weight

I loved you for a long time. through a lot of shit, good and bad.
I loved you as you were, damaged, fragile, wounded, funny, clever, thoughtful, insightful, youthful, kind, attentive...

then, I realized, you simply didn't really exist, I've been loving a ghost, a figment, a zephyr.

Turns out, you're a terrible, selfish person, and I don't feel like loving you any more.
I don't feel like showing you a beautiful world anymore,
I don't feel like protecting you anymore.
I don't care anymore.


eventually this won't hurt as much, eventually I can forget to remember these wasted years.
It's ok for me to let this die; everything dies at some point.


And,
I don't even know why I was keeping this alive anymore.

It's kind of funny, that you managed to kill it with the tiniest comment,
(too many emotions on my end)

You were right, you were never worthy of all that I gave you. You were right that I was giving you too much

Sometimes the smallest things have the most weight.

I Was So Young

I was so young when i met you. I did not realize how young I was then, especially considering all I had experienced in the world.

When we met, I did not know what love really was;
I had an idea, and I had been very very close to love before, but it was definitely not anything like what I'd ever feel for you.

We were both so young, but I was still so naive and innocent. You took the last of my innocence, and in exchange gave me the wisdom to know what love really is.

Yes, more often than not, this love is painful, but it is the most beautiful things i've ever felt. I hunger for you, everything about you. I want all of you as you are, and as you will be... forever, however long it takes for us to figure out how to get this right.

Fragile and Beloved

I was reading about epilepsy and FASD and depression.
Trying to understand your brain and how you became the way you are.
The more I read the more I love you and the more
I wish you understood just how precious you are.
Your fragility crushes my heart with something that is NOT pity.
It overwhelms me with the need to give you all the love you have missed
because you feel broken and worthless and hopeless.

There is nothing I want more than to wrap you up in me,
Taste your kisses and protect you from your fears.

Faith in One's Self.

The religious myth that if you believe in god your life will be sunshine and rainbows is absurd. The universe is huge, and we are tiny. Much of what we pray for isn't going to be granted. I do believe in praying for things, but more than anything one should think less about asking and getting, and more about "manifesting" as in using your faith in the power given to you, to manifest what you wish in your life. Everything in this universe is connected (even according to those string theories) therefore there is no reason your thoughts cannot connect to reality. I think for me, my faith in god, is a faith in the power of this way the universe works, science is the manifestations of god... and to a degree we are all god because we are also in a micro sort of way, able to manifest. But most people are too busy doubting their worth and doubting their power.

Love yourself, have faith in yourself and you can be closer to attaining that which you desire.

nothing has meaning and my words come out all wrong and empty

there is nothing.
just loss.

i never thought, no matter what happened,
 that you'd ever really leave.

you said the worst feeling in the world,
was the "after," when love is gone.

i will never understand why, if you hate that feeling,
you'd cast both of us out into it's deep black emptiness.

i feel just, hollow.
nothing has any meaning anymore.

i never want to feel this again, but i don't see it ever ending.

i want to express this feeling with words or coherent thoughts, but it's too abstract
too painful. there are no words.
there is nothing.

i want this feeling to end. i can't live like this.
without you, my universe is empty and dark.

Need and Love.

I need you.
I NEED you.
I cannot always tell you this, but
I need you.
Because you are my friend and
you are beautiful and understand me
in a secret way I never expected.
I WANT to tell you this, but
I don't want you to misunderstand.
I do not want you to be my crutch,
that isn't what I mean by need.
I just need you,
to never leave me, never go out of my life.
never stop loving me.
I want to be near you,
to touch you, but
touches frighten me so much.
I'm not there yet, but I'm trying.
I'm getting there, with my words,
opening myself more, telling more of myself.

I cant keep being a stone.
It seemed easy to be a stone and
keep everyone out, but
it gets lonely and I need you too much
to be a stone with you.
I think of you all the time.
I love you, even though I never see you nearly enough
(or at all)
how did I come to have you at all? That doesn't matter.
you are mine and I love you.