Lost Time Cannot Be Retrieved

When I was first diagnosed with PKD, I was told that having children was no longer an option for me. I was told getting pregnant could shut down my kidneys and or cause one of them to rupture due to their large size. After much anger and sadness I came to accept this as my lot in life and I resolved myself to move on and one day just adopt. During the whole grieving process the stress and misery was a propellant, to the explosive end, of an already strained relationship. He just couldn't be remotely understanding of my feeling of loss, yet he demanded my emotional support in all his struggles. It was all very taxing and worthless.Then, in 2008 I was told by a specialist, that having children was completely an option for me. It was like having someone deeply loved and missed, show up after having been declared legally dead. I was both happy and angry. Many fertile healthy years were already wasted, gone forever. Relationships I had avoided because the man wanted children, were avoided needlessly; perhaps I would not have been such a distant, and at times downright mean person, to some of the men I'd dated if I'd known what my options had been. I had wasted years pushing people away. Now all I feel is this overwhelming urgency to make up the lost time, that simply can't be retrieved. I cannot get those eggs back. I am pushy and annoying to the man who wants to have a family with me and the truth is none of this is even remotely his fault. Once again I am angry and grieving. But this is my lot in life and I'm sure there is some lesson in all of this, even if I haven't the faintest idea of what it can be.